to mourn a cousin

they say when we die, our lives flash before our eyes

i didn't hear the news until a month later

and your life hasn't stopped flashing through my mind since

swimming in the lake

you in underwear since you didn't have a swimsuit

the years you didn't know english well

making fake calls on my house phone

by calling our number and waiting for it to ring through

singing spanish songs while hitting pinatas

the years i didn't know spanish well

walking around the block

then running when strangers slowed down next to us

the years we communicated anyway

sneaking beers just to pour them out because they were terrible

so many parties with pinatas

and tres leces cake

a home video of a trip to mexico

from after my mom, my brother, and i left

where our other cousin revealed my stepdad had una novia

no language barrier in sight

the call my mom got from my stepdad

when we were in the mall a month after your funeral

she kept asking questions

have you seen anything on facebook

and i don't know how i knew but i knew

at once furious with the world in the moments before